So while I was reading my old blog posts from my old blogs which I had privatised now, I came across something that reminded me of Atuk.
"I need to get a grip. I need to get stronger. It sucks to feel worried all the time. The thought of you leaving me forever never fails to get all over me every single night and every moment I’m away from you. The worst part is that I always feel this way when I feel lonely. It sucks. It really sucks.
I ask myself a question every single day. Why must it hurt so much losing someone forever in reality unlike in movies? I know it seems like a stupid question. But really, it sucks to lose someone. It sucks especially when the memories you share with them starts to linger in your mind all over again. Why can’t memories just leave with the person who left us? It’ll be much better. It won’t hurt so much.
Why must people leave your life?"
I wrote this in 2012 when I was taking care of Atuk.
2012 was definitely an eventful year for me. It's the year I was sitting for A's the first time, and then I found out that Atuk had liver cancer stage four. The doctor told us he has 6 months and I found out about it a day before A's started. I couldn't sleep that night because of the thought of him leaving me but everyone around me thought it was because I was nervous for the exams.
That very year, I finally made close friends in JC who I still contact once in a while (when I'm not lazy, really whoever who are my friends, I salute y'all) and in 2012 too, I fell in love with the nicest, smartest and cutest guy ever.
Atuk passed away on 27 June 2014. It was hard getting over his death. If you were on my social media during that period, you would know. In fact, even up till now, I'm not exactly over it. I'm still reminded of him in every single thing I do.
I've learnt to cope with losing people in my life. The answer is time. Time heals.
He comes into my dreams once in a while, and I feel that's what dreams are for. It's for us to revisit the ones we miss, the ones we love while waiting for our time to face death and before death happens to us, I pray that all of us would, by then, have met all the criteria to be the citizens of heaven.
I miss you Atuk. I miss you too, Nenek Enon and Atuk Omar. I hope to be reunited with all of you again in heaven because really, you guys were the best grandparents I didn't even ask for.
Thank you Allah SWT for giving me the grandest grandparents, because their love for me was the most grand love ever.