love yourself

Recently I had a talk with a close friend of mine and I realized how impactful our words can be to someone without us realizing it and how we really have to be careful of the things that come out of our mouths.

It’s raya season now and that means I’m meeting makciks who really got a lot to say when really, it’s best for the world if they don’t say a thing. I’ve gained a lot of weight and it’s pretty obvious in photos. Even more obvious in real life. And I’ve been feeling even more insecure about it these days. And it doesn’t help that I have people around me who eat sooooo much but don’t gain a single gram at all. 

I used to be like them, but not now. God’s probably punishing me for always calling my brothers fat because now Syakir is no longer fat and I’m the fat one. 

I hate how I look now and there are days when I just don’t feel like eating because whenever I look at food, I’m reminded of the nasty things that have been said to me about my weight gain.

I just wish sometimes people are more careful with their words because really, you don’t know what’s going on in someone’s life. I’ve been starting to work out at home, go for jogs, purposely walking more instead of taking shorter routes home or taking the stairs instead of the escalator or the lift to shed some weight but I’ve yet to shed any. And let’s not even talk about eating. I haven’t gotten much appetite lately. It’s like I’m forcing myself to eat to survive every single day.

I was honestly slowly accepting the fact that I will not be as skinny as I used to be. (I mean, I used to be that girl who couldn't reach more than 40kg but now I'm putting on weight like crazyyyyy) It only started to affect me when people couldn't stop commenting about my weight gain and how I shouldn't be looking fat because I'm not a mother yet. 

On top of all that, I’m also dealing with comments that people have been giving me whenever they ask who I’m dating and I share with them about S.

My boyfriend is smart and well, me... it’s hard to say. I would like to think I’m not dumb, but I’m not smart either. I don’t know what am I honestly. Whenever people got to know what S is doing now, they give me vibes and comments like “he’s smart but why did he choose to date someone dumb like you” and sigh many times I feel like he deserves a much smarter person than me.

I'm thankful that S is someone who doesn’t care about wealth and grades. But all those words still hurt me. From what I see so far, to him, doing well in school and work is his responsibility as a student and an employee. And this is something I admire about him. So this year I’ve been trying my best to be a responsible student which I’m still not sure if the results will show but I really hope and pray they do. 

I just wish we all will be more careful with what we say to others in future. 

If that couple is married for years and still has not gotten any kids, don’t say anything nasty. You never know if they’ve been trying for years for a kid but God has yet to grant them any. By saying nasty things to them, you’re just making them more depressed than they already are.

If a person loses or gains weight, don’t comment about how much better they’ll look if they’ll gain or lose weight. Fat-shaming and skinny-shaming is just a NO-NO. Instead, ask them nicely if they’ve been feeling happy in their daily lives and if they’ve been eating right. I'm definitely guilty of this sigh ☹️

If a Muslim girl is not wearing a hijab, don’t label them as less religious than the ones who do. You never know if she’s struggling trying to fulfil her duties as a Muslim. She may have just given up wearing shorts and tank tops recently and dress a little more covered than what she usually wore, for all you know. 

The list goes on. But you get me right?

If you’ve got nothing nice to say, then 🤫

More importantly, at the end of the day, we all gotta learn to love ourselves more.

amirah's grad party

Few weeks back, Amirah made a celebration at her place for her graduation. And we all had such adult talks about post-graduation, working life, settling down, paying bills etc. I'm turning 25 in a few months and till now, when people ask me what's my plan for the future, I still have got nothing planned out. Well I used to have everything planned out and most of my plans didn't go as planned so now I'm really living the whole "go with the flow" life.

Veda, Weed and I continued to hang out at the airport after that. We used to see each other everyday so the time spent at the airport catching up was necessary to me.

Need to graduate as soon as possible.

Need to lose weight.

tears

As I'm typing this, I'm crying. I've been crying for the past 30 minutes and it annoys me so much because I don't understand why I'm crying so much...

Exams are less than a month away and in my opinion, I'm nowhere near ready. It has been stressing me out so much and tonight I just can't take it anymore.

My family and friends have been nothing but amazing, trying to motivate me... my boyfriend does it too. I know he's feeling even more stressed than I am right now.

I haven't been feeling this down for quite some time. I just hope this time these tears will be worth it.

five minus one

I'm not exactly the craziest VIP in the world, but my love for Bigbang is pretty much known to everyone. I mean, the things I have done just to see them live and up close... 🤦🏻‍♀️

And finally yesterday, it's official. I'm not gonna see them all 5 on stage ever again. 😭

Ah, I'm getting way too emotional over Bigbang. Let me cry while I replay all of Bigbang songs and their solo songs...

Thank you Bigbang for the memories ❤️

I guess it's time for me to grow up.

clingy or crazy

I'm clingy. Way too clingy for a normal human being. 

S is having his reservist now and well, he did tell me before this that unlike others, his training could be soooo crazy to the point he sleeps for 4 hours only. So before he left for his reservist, I already prepped myself to be okay not having him around. No texts from him. It's like living that single life all over again. 

But this time round, he told me that his training isn't so busy. So of course being the clingy person I am, I expected him to text me all the time since we don't usually get that on normal days. He's the kind that doesn't text when he's having his lectures and seminars. So I thought maybe we could text more than we usually do. But nope. That boy is now busy playing Mobile Legends and it frustrates me more than ever.

I used to roll my eyes at girls who go crazy on their boyfriends whenever they fail to reply text messages promptly. And now, I'm becoming one of them. Just, what is wrong with me? 😩

It doesn't help much when I just sent him a text saying "I got no mood to talk to you now." and he said okay. JUST OKAY?! Don't men ever get it?!

Younger me would have straight up asked for a break up over this, but older me is much wiser. I need to learn to give people the time and space. 

But oops, I just did a random online poll. And I accidentally pressed "Single" instead of "In a relationship" 🙊

I still love you, S. ❤️ We're not breaking up.

This is just me being a crazy girlfriend that I warned you about.

annoying sweetheart

The past few weeks have been crazy for me and the boy. He's busy with his seminars and presentations while I was busy with my coursework submission. We barely got time for each other.

The good and bad thing about dating S is that he's the kind to put his phone away when he's in the study mode zone. Sometimes I wanna smack him for not giving me attention. Sometimes I am kinda glad he's like that because I need some alone time too HAHAHA

I can't thank God enough for S' presence in my life. He can be really annoying, but he's also a sweetheart.

Recently he got me a plant.

I have yet to sit down with my parents and be all serious with them that I'm dating S. But this boy went a step ahead and bought for me a plant so now, my parents could kinda guess I'm dating someone. 

Few days before this plant came, I had a talk with S about how I felt women do want flowers but we just don't wanna tell guys that we want them. We want them, but we do not wanna force guys to get it for us. But the thing with flowers is that they die very very fast. So obviously, this boy I'm dating is smarter than other normal human beings. He bought for me a plant. A freaking orchid plant.

Guess who loves orchids? My grandmother. I jokingly told her that I wanna throw this plant away. She screamed at me HAHAHA

This plant even has a special place in my house. She waters it every single day. I didn't even have to worry about taking care of this plant. Besides that, she talks to this plant to show her love and care for this plant. My grandmother is obsessed with this plant. 

I used to always say I want a guy that loves my loved ones and make them happy as much as he loves me and makes me happy. So is he the right one? 😂

Still debatable. You wonder why?

Look at this.

Told him to take a picture of me. But boyyyyyy, he really needs to take up some photography lessons. The focus was supposed to be on me with the skyline as the background, he kinda got it right but not the kind of photo that I wanted. It's so hard when your boyfriend doesn't use social media much, how do I get an #instagramboyfriend then? He still got the nerve to debate with me on how this picture is artsy but I just don't know how to appreciate art ugh

But I still love this boy.

The next few weeks and months will get even crazier for us. We both will get even busier. But I know this will all be worth it in future.

Love you S ❤️

sad menses story

📍 S' house

We're supposed to be watching movies on Netflix now but instead, he's running to the mamak shop for me because your girl right here got her menses and didn't have any pads with her. I even asked his mum for pads and then I realized that oh shit, our mothers are all on menopause period already. So clearly, they don't have spare pads at home because why would 2 sons need pads.

Sigh, my life is basically all the crazy embarrassing moments you see in movies collated into one.

Dear self, bring your own pads everywhere you go next time. 🤦‍♀️

On another note, this guy is more than glad to run to the mamak shop for me just for my pads. Your actions make me fall in love with you more every single day, S. 

what's good 2019

Already 16 days into the new year.

GOSH.

2018 was a bitter sweet year for me. I hated all the pain I had to go through last year. I honestly still do feel it but it's more bearable now. Especially with the support of my family and my amazing friends.

My cheongsam photo made it to my best nine photos of the year! That cheongsam is just collecting dust right now. S has been bugging me to wear it to meet his family during CNY but hmmm I don't know if that'll be too much. I mean even Chinese ladies nowadays don't wear cheongsams and then this Malay girl wanna go all out and wear it?

S also made it to my top nine. Gosh, he's taking over my social media without even being exposed. I'm honestly still trying to let the whole "I'm now in a relationship" status sink into myself. I've dated here and there but this time, it's just so different... many times I feel like sharing it out but I think now's not the time yet. Being single for a long time makes me forget sometimes that I'm no longer single. It's not that S is a bad boyfriend, in fact he's been nothing but amazing. It's me, I have some memory loss problem that I really need to fix.

So for 2019.

I hope to be less lazy, start working out more often, be a better Muslim and be a better person as a whole. 

ended 2018 with love

2019, already?

Oh God, where did all the time flies...

I have been blogging on this space for the longest time ever. If you've been following my journey here, you could probably guess who is still part of my life and who isn't. All the new relationships I made with people and also those I cut ties with. You would also know all the crazy things that can only happen to me because I'm the weirdest human being alive. 

Some people have said to me that I put my whole life on social media and as much as I wanna deny it, I guess there's some truths to that. One thing for sure, this blog is the place I share THE MOST because I feel like I can be myself here. 

And for that, I would like to share that...

I ended 2018 with love.

So let me introduce him as S. 

S for what? S for Sayang? S for Secret? I don't know. You can decide.

It was hard for me to find someone who could convince me enough that he deserves exposure on my social media. This one kinda managed to do so. And yes, I know it's not a full exposure. Maybe he'll get a full exposure if we ended up marrying each other. Till then, let's keep it all a mystery. 

People have been asking me how did it all happen. Well, I don't have an answer to that honestly. It just did. We both didn't even try to flirt with each other or anything... at least I didn't. I don't know about him. But I don't think he did. Because if he did, I would say try harder baby ❤️

We're both totally different.

• I hate fruits and vegetables; he loves them. 
• I share almost everything about my life on social media; he doesn't. 
• I'm short... well it's pretty obvious that he's tall. 
• He's smart like really REALLY smart and he denies it but I can assure you that I'm not lying on this. And I'm not anywhere as smart as he is.
• He's such a nerd and obviously I'm the cool one in this relationship. I'm not even THAT cool. Syakir would totally laugh at me for this. 
• I'm a Muslim, and he's not. But I do hope one day, Allah SWT opens his heart to accept Islam wholeheartedly and may we both guide each other to heaven. 

And the list goes on.

Dear S,

I don't know if you're the one for me and I'm the one for you. I just hope we will be able to get through all good and bad times together with patience and respect for each other. Because I do feel like you're someone I want to settle down with. But if we don't work out, I'm thankful enough for your presence in my life at this moment. On another note, please be patient because you're dealing with an emotionally unstable, slightly crazy, always late and clingy girlfriend. I know it is still too early to be hoping but I really do hope you will open your heart willingly to accept my religion as yours one day. Also, please stop playing dota and sudoku so much. Channel your attention to me instead HAHA

Love,

Your girlfriend.

But what's more important and heartbreaking to me right now...

My Mama's boy liked this post.

He approved of our relationship.

And that also means... I got no chance to marry him now 😭

black chair for black friday

I am such an auntie now.

Black Friday sales got everyone crazy last weekend and I tried to stop myself from purchasing anything. I really did try to control myself. Honestly, this year I have been sooooo good at controlling myself from spending money so recklessly. But I succumbed to the temptation, probably from the Shopping Devil ugh

Say hello to my new study chair!

I have been trying to find a new study chair for myself ever since my old one broke and I has to use the dinner table's chair to study. I went to so many different places and so many different sites before I decided on this one.

How do I feel about this chair? Well I'm sitting on this chair while typing this post out and I can already feel like I can take over the world. This is my best purchase for the year, more like my only splurge for the year so far.

A month to 2019. Will I splurge all my money in December? Stay tuned to find out. I mean, I should never underestimate myself when it comes to shopping. 

Black Chair for Black Friday

Why is it called Black Friday? Does anyone know?

climate change needs a new me

I'm currently in Stats class and ugh this class is soooooo boring. So here I am, blogging.

It's November now. 2 more months and we're gonna be in 2019. It's crazy how fast time flies.

But what's crazier right now is climate change. Scientists have been saying that we have to start making changes in our daily activities to save the world. Latest by 2020. If not, the world will be destroyed in 2030. Tell me that's the scariest thing ever right now. I mean, can you imagine if Earth is no longer habitable by 2030? Where am I gonna live? I definitely can't afford living anywhere else but Earth as of this moment.

So right now, I'm gonna try to make some changes in my life and I hope it becomes a habit as soon as possible.

Bring my own water bottle.

I have this habit of buying mineral water bottles whenever I'm out. Only Evian water bottles because some mineral water brands have this weird aftertaste. So now, I'm trying my best to just reuse whatever water bottles I have, until I finally can find the BEST water bottle that suits me. Let's hope I don't get lazy and refill those bottles.

Drink without a straw.

I know the hype now is having your own metal straw but I just don't feel as comfortable using metal straws. There is a difference. I know many can't relate so now, I'm just planning to not use straws at all. Go all coffee shop style even while at a high end cafe. Let's see if I can pull it off.

These changes seem soooo easy but not for me. I'm the laziest person anyone can ever think of. Even going for this boring class is tiring me out already. I'm starting to fall asleep.

Thank God tomorrow's a public holiday. A break for me. Not that I deserve it. 

But heyyyyy, Happy Deepavali!

eating is my passion

I just came back from dinner with someone I used to be close with.

Back in 2014/2015, I was that fit girl. Not a gym freak, but I exercised regularly. I lost so much weight that I gained thanks to A levels, but now I have gained even more than the weight I lost the other time. I did go to the gym. And if you're on my social media long enough, you'll know about #sailorboy. I will do one whole post about him one day, just not today. 

Anyway it's been quite some time since that whole gym/fit phase. I no longer go to the gym because I'm just too shy to bring myself to the gym alone, and it doesn't help now that people who stay near me and I'm comfortable with... are just not into public gyms. I ain't spending a bomb just for gym memberships. 

So I had dinner with this teacher I met in the gym years ago. I call him Cikgu because he's a real secondary school teacher. It was great reminiscing how life was much easier for me back then. He still goes to the gym, but the people I got to know from the gym and the people I went to the gym with no longer go to the gym now. I guess gym was really a phase for all of us, except him.

I wish one day, I'll discover the thing that I'm most passionate about to the point I'll grow old doing it. Maybe, I've discovered it. I love eating. Dammit, I'm really on my way to be that old and fat lady. God save me.

one of my many bad habits

I have many bad habits. Some of which have costed me tangibly and some, intangibly. Some thankfully... have yet to cost me anything. Hah.

And hours ago, my bad habit is about to cost me a bomb. #prayformeplease

I've been delaying my tuition fee payment till the very last minute (read: just now) and technology had to fail me at that very crucial moment while I was about to pay. I have emailed the school and I am really hoping and praying that they won't charge me for late payment.

In this case, there's no one to blame but me, for LEAVING IT TILL THE VERY LAST MINUTE.

My brain is also not helping very much because nowadays I realize things slip off my mind so much more easily. Tell me, this does not come with age, right?

real busy

It's going to be the end of September and I have yet to even draft a post for this space. THIS IS CRAZY.

Work and school definitely kept me way too occupied. I am definitely feeling guilty of not having enough time for people I love, and sadly, to myself as well. I used to think that people who truly love you will always find time for you no matter how busy they are. But now that I'm hella busy all the time, all I can say is that... you have not reached the REAL peak of busy if you can still find time for others.

I have been telling myself for months to get a haircut, plan my outfit for an upcoming event, go to Sephora to stock up this and that... and honestly, I haven't found time to do any of them. I'm also slowly finding myself to be a little happier whenever people cancel on me because that just means I have time to rest. I know I shouldn't but hahaha I barely can find time to just laze on my bed, sleep in till noon and I'm honestly missing those days when I can just lay in bed and not worry a single thing. My body is really screaming to me to rest, no kidding.

I'm just hoping that this workaholic Syafiqah will continue to be as driven and crazy till I'm financially stable to retire.

WHY AM I ALREADY THINKING OF RETIREMENT 🙃

And let me end this post cutely, here's a photo of me and Mozart. 😽

numb

I'm feeling numb. But there's still some guilt left in me, no doubt.

Many times I felt like killing myself before this, but I didn't. And I know, this time too, the thought of doing it will hopefully go away. Life is too precious and I should not take it for granted.

All I'm asking is for some prayers for a better me, a better future.

keep me in your prayers, please

So I'm about to get REAL busy, starting from now.

Pray for me. Pray for my future.

I really hope I'll be able to move on from this phase. This guilt, and everything that I'm facing ugh no one will ever understand unless you're going through what I'm going through. But it's ok. God knows best what I'm going through and I'm trusting in His plans. 

Still, I need prayers to get me through. So if you're reading this, please keep me in your prayers. I need it most, especially now. 

🙏🏼

second cycle of chinese zodiac

I am 24 now.

Gosh, that sounds old man.

I'm done with the second cycle of the Chinese Zodiac.

Wait, is that even right?

I haven't gotten the mood to blog these days. As much as I wanna say I've been busy, I know that's just an excuse because really, I'm not at my busiest. But I'll still blog about me turning 24, just like how I've been doing for the past few years HAHA

I didn't really have any plans on my birthday and I was glad that Asyraf was free on that day to spend his whole day and night with me HAHA

I actually teared a bit after we parted ways because... after all the times I push people away, they're still there for me. God really loves me. 

Many thought we had something on, and I used to always be loud over why can't guys and girls just hang out as the best of friends and people understand that?! But I can't blame these people. Maybe God just blessed me with really nice guy friends who go the extra mile for me despite having their own girlfriends. 

This girl right here also goes the extra mile for me. Well, at least I think so.

She's always in her cave but that's ok. At least we both will just go out whenever we feel like it. But last Monday I managed to force her out for a long walk and play the playground. She was breathless. #mysuperunfitfriend #saveherplease

And this year, I found someone with the same birthday as me.

May you continue to be better than you are now. 

Dear Self,

You've been through a lot and may whatever that has happened shape you into a better person. Everything will be fine. Always trust in God's plans. Always keep Allah SWT close to you. You're nowhere near what you thought you would be. But that's okay. That's what makes you YOU. May you be blessed with wealth, love and health. May you continue to love and be loved. 

Love, Yourself.

All I need now is prayers. Prayers for my future. 🙏🏼

too lazy, help

I have so many things I wanna write in this blog because I'm scared one day, I'll forget about the things that have happened in my life. But... ugh I'm just too lazy to sit down and write them all out in a post.

Help me get out of this lazy phase. Please?

love, from sg to hk

It's almost a year since Korea happened. And I still can't help it but to call that place my second home. Clearly, tak sedar diri.

But thanks to last year's Korea trip, I met so many lovely friends. Not only from Singapore, but also those from other countries. And I'm glad that the friendships forged got even closer after my trip. 

Natalie is one of them. And it sucks that she lives all the way in Hong Kong. So far away from me. 😭

Today is her birthday so since I couldn't fly all the way to Hong Kong because firstly, your girl right here is on a saving mode. Secondly, raya is in a few days. So if I fly out around this time, I can forget about coming home and still be part of the family.

I decided to send some goodies from Singapore. More like... all the Malay food. Bringing Raya from Singapore to Hong Kong.

I've said my piece to her all in that card. And let's keep it that way.

But one thing for sure...

Happy birthday and love you all the way from Singapore to Hong Kong 💕

aisah is married and older

By now, I guess everyone knows that Aisah is married. She just had to choose May, the month when I'm at my busiest. Thank God she's my best friend because if she was not, I would have to give it a miss in helping her or even, her boyfriend husband.

Few months before the wedding, I texted him if he has proposed to her. The boy didn't find it necessary. Oh boys... I need to write a book on how to treat a girl right to guide you guys.

So since Razzali didn't have any plans for a proposal, I came out with a plan for him.

I chose Marina Barrage for the view. It rained on that day, and since I couldn't think of anywhere else, we still proceeded with the plan. 

Everyone was staring at me while I was setting everything up. Honestly, I felt like covering my face a paper bag while setting everything up. But I told myself, heyyyy they probably would not ever see me again so let's just do it. Let's pray hard I will really not see any of them ever again.

The candles kept going off because of the wind. The clouds were dark and there was no shelter so the first time I tried setting up, it rained and I had to run to the car with Syafiq... so while I was trying to set everything up for the second time,  I couldn't stop praying for the rain to stop. God heard my prayers alhamdulillah and most importantly, she said yes to Razzali.

Leading up to the wedding, it got even busier especially with the wedding trays. So I tried to help as much as I could.

I don't know how do bridesmaids maintain looking good all day err day. I tried playing the role of a bridesmaid but I looked like a mess. Sweating like crazy, running here and there trying to get things into place.

But all's good, I guess. Despite all the mess that happened, these two made it to the halal title. 

May these two lovebirds always be in love till Jannah. 💕

Also, happy 24th birthday to this one!

She's been my pillar of strength the past few months, or maybe years. And I hope we both continue to be friends even when in Jannah... because I wanna be downing shots with her there. 😂

And again, happy birthday my love! 🎂