you

Do I miss you?

Or, do I just miss those amazing moments with you? 

Could it be I miss being in love with someone?

Sigh.

2020 new year new decade

A new year.

A new decade.

Tbh, I'm still kinda the same. Not sure if being the same me is a good thing, but at least I didn't change for the worst, right? So that's a good thing, right? 🥴

I laughed and cried a lot in 2019. Last year was both a happy and sad year for me but I'm somehow thankful things happened in such a way because I've learnt things I never knew I needed to go through to learn from them.

Other than the breakup with S, many happy things happen. Aisah got pregnant and gave birth safely alhamdulillah, I started listening to Okletsgo and got closer to my cousin thanks to their crazy podcasts, I got to know more about S and his whole family including his amazing mum which was life-changing for me. Things didn't work out for us, but his short presence in my life changed the way I looked at life as a whole and people have been telling me that I became even more mature in the way I think and carry myself than I did before. (Trust me this lame ass girl can be quite critical in her thinking but she just somehow sound dumb most of the time.)

Few days before the end of the year, Chups planned a short trip to JB. He and Weikang are such sweethearts. They knew I was crying and struggling so much but I didn't really want the world to know. They knew I kept putting on a strong front when I'm really weak. So they planned outings and meetups to cheer myself to continue having the will to live and to keep myself mentally okay somehow. 

I started the year with this bunch, I'm glad they're still here by my side.

Thankfully, they're not the only ones by my side. I mean, I wouldn't wanna drain their energy trying to layan this girl's crazy emotions. 

Qi, Veda and Weed knew my supposedly anniversary date was on New Years' Eve so they knew I couldn't be left alone in my thoughts. So Veda and Weed stayed with me that night and we laughed until we couldn't anymore. Qi couldn't join us because she was in China for a family holiday but we FaceTime together with her family.

We counted the number of years we've been friends and well, who knew we would be THIS tight after all these years. Half a decade ago, Weed straight away hugged me when she knew I was crazy over Jay Park. From then on, we got closer than ever. 

People have been asking me what are my future plans. Well, I rather keep them close to me as much as possible. But do keep me in your prayers.

Pray for a healthier me.

Pray for a happier me.

Pray for a richer me. 😂

Pray for an amazing future for me. ✨

strength

The only thing that's stopping me now is the thought of how affected my loved ones will be if I ever do it.

God, give me strength.

I'm tired.

fine

I say I'm fine, but am I really okay?

I wish you still care about me. 

we're over

We are over.

"If Happy Ever Afters did exist, I would still be holding you."

Been 6 days of crying my heart out for you and I don't know when will I stop crying for you but if that makes the person I love happier, then I guess I will slowly learn to accept it even if it means I'm the one bleeding so much now. 

Will I still believe in love after this? I hope so.

Will I still be able to love someone like how I feel for you now, S? I don't know but I hope so.

I really hope and pray you're happier from now on.

i hope you're okay

I had a class just now and I saw something that got me 😨🥴

Imagine a girl wearing shorts, the kind that you can see her butt cheeks as well. So she bended forward to reach over a piece of paper from the lecturer. She was directly in front of me and I was facing the front. And from the level I was sitting, the first thing I saw when I looked up... her butt. And I was genuinely worried for her. Because I could see marks and bruises. Like caning marks and really huge dark purple bruises.

I then told Hani, a friend of mine that I got closer over the past few months. She was just as shocked as I am. 

So I asked, "Do you think we should ask if she's okay?" 

And the next thing she said was, "No la, I think she got caned by her parents."

I just laughed because at this age, DOES CANING EVEN WORK?!

Then it hits me. 

She could be into BDSM shit. Something I still can't relate, like how do people feel aroused by pain. I'm the kind who cries like a baby when it comes to even the slightest pain you can ever think of.

To the girl in class who's hopefully into BDSM shit,

I hope you're really okay.

If you're not into BDSM and you're really hurt,

please don't be afraid and seek help.

kylie or audrey, please

Everyone on Twitter has been doing this Gradient thingy where they try to match your face closest with some famous person. So I tried and the results... HAHA

I remember telling S that if I could do plastic surgery, I wanna make sure the surgery is successful like Kylie's. I guess I don't even have to, because heyyy your girl already look like Kylie anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

I tried with another photo and now I look like the beautiful Audrey Hepburn. 

This is where it all goes downhill.

I look like a statue. 😒

I'll take Kylie or Audrey, pretty please 😏

sorry

📍School's Library

The past few days I've been spending time in the library, trying to get my life together. Thankfully I have supportive friends like Qi and Chu Ping to get me through these hard times. The ones trying to ensure I'm not in depressive state and get things I need to do done. 

The past few months... emotionally and mentally, I've been struggling. People I'm not close with think I'm okay with all these failures and losses. But in all honesty, I know I'm not okay. Getting off social media helped a bit. Having friends around me and getting myself busy with work distracted me from going back into my depressive state. 

I'm sorry to the people I've disappointed... Sorry to those who have been trying to help me to succeed in life but I didn't make you proud. I'm sorry...

being hairless at the right places

A few days ago, Qi texted me saying that she has to shorten our study session because she wants to go for a massage that costs $19. The next thing I asked her was, "How did you get to know of such offers?" And so she introduced me to this app called Fave.

I downloaded this app right away.

I spent hours and hours looking at all the discounts they offered and my oh my, I was tempted to spend all my money on the various spa sessions and massage sessions. They even have post natal massages. Do I need them? No. Do I want to go for them? HELL YEAH.

But I eventually settled for this particular one.

I've always wanted to do SHR to get rid of my hairs especially the one down south because it's such a hassle to shave all the hairs away. I have to go through various yoga positions with my legs before I manage to get rid of all the hairs. 

Many people told me to try out waxing but this girl right here is such a scaredy cat. I'm the kind of girl who cries when the doctors give me a virus injection or even when they had to take my blood. I remember when I was 12 and we had to take our vaccinations, I cried like crazyyyyy. I wailed and it sucks because I remembered having such a high fever the next day. Drama queen, indeed. So of course, I didn't wanna try waxing no matter how many times people try to convince me to do so.

Right after I bought this voucher, I texted Qi panicking because I'm about to show my private area to someone else. And that someone else is a stranger. No one, NO ONE... has seen me fully naked. The last person who saw me naked was probably my mum. But even then, it was when I was much much younger. So I couldn't stop being nervous thinking about opening my legs and showing my private area to someone else.

But I eventually did. 

I came early today because I was way too nervous.

The receptionist made me filled in some form and I was honestly scared because "What if this voucher is a scam? What if it means $148 per session?" I mean I'm broke but I wanna be hairless. Thankfully, the receptionist said it's really $148 in all. But I had to top up a one-time payment of $50 for the intergluteal cleft area.

This is how the room I was given looks like.

Thankfully, clean.

The lady that attended me could sense I was nervous and tried calming me down. I don't think I'll ever be okay showing others my private areas. Way too shy.  She was also honest enough to tell me that I wouldn't see instant results since I'm quite hairy. Thank God, the whole session lasted less than 15 minutes. 

And I can safely say, it's really not painful at all. NO PAIN. But you can feel some heat when it gets to the more sensitive intimate areas. That's all. 

I don't know if this SHR treatment will work for me, but let's hope it does because I just wanna be hairless as soon as possible. According to what I read so far, SHR is supposed to be a much more effective hair removal treatment. So let's hope it works for me. 

Took this before I left because I am on my way to...

being hairless at the right places.

watching every move

"Oh do you know that he's young? I think he's probably in his late 20s or early 30s."

"Omg, is he hot? Smart and hot will be perfect for me."

Sigh, 2 girls were talking about my boyfriend when I was sitting right beside them just now. Clearly, they didn't know that I'm his girlfriend. But I guess now I have no choice but to watch every single move they make just in case they ever try to make a move on S.

Yes, jealous girlfriend alert.

I already found out their names for a start. 💅🏼

(Qi thinks I should calm down because S is already mine 😒)

wife or child

After such a long time, I finally had a long h2h conversation with the boy a few nights ago. 🥰

For 2 people who are very different from each other, it's amazing we're still together now. It's not all fairytales for sure. We've had some downs and we're still trying our best to progress in this relationship. So recently, I came out with a schedule for dating time, talk time all that.

Not just in my relationship with S, I have also set aside some time every week for friends time, alone time, study time, work time, family time... hopefully I'll stick to the schedule well 🙏🏼

So that night, we talked about childbirth and death.

I'm at the age where my friends are starting their families and recently I had a talk with a group of friends on this issue.

If the doctor asks you, the husband, to choose between saving your child and your wife, who would you choose?

Some of my friends said they would choose to save the wife and some, surprisingly, chose the child. I got all defensive at first because I felt saving the wife is more important since you can always make a baby again. But a friend told me it's not as easy as it sounds. Because after losing a child, most women would not be able to recover mentally from it and eventually, how do you make another baby again when you fear of losing another baby and probably still have thoughts of your baby who died? 

So I asked S, which one would he choose if he was put in that position?

I mean if I'm gonna marry this dude, we have to be on the same wavelength. I know dying during childbirth is considered mati syahid and you'll be guaranteed a place in heaven. But I was secretly hoping he would answer that he would choose his wife. And thankfully, he answered just that. (He's probably afraid I'll turn into a pontianak and haunt him at night or something if he chose his child over me 👻)

But our discussion on this topic did not just end here. Along the way, I realized that I had been emphasizing on the woman's mental health after losing a kid. He pointed out that men too could be mentally unsound from losing either one.

I rarely hear issues regarding men's mental health and it dawned upon me that maybe men are afraid to speak up about this. Probably because men need to appear strong in the eyes of society. That's why you rarely hear about men being abused in relationships and so on.

To which I asked him, "Do you think you're being abused in this relationship?" or something along those lines... and then I went on to google on the criteria of an abusive relationship.  And well, let's just say, it was great going through the list together so we get ourselves in check.

al-fatihah to pak long

"Indeed we belong to Allah,

and indeed to Him we will return."

The photo above was our last photo together. Taken during raya.

29 August 2019.

I knew this day would come when I start to lose one of my aunts or uncles after losing my grandparents. But I did not expect this day would come this soon. I lost another family member to cancer, again. This time round, it's my uncle.

For all those times when I was younger and you took care of me and pampered me with all those small tidbits and toys, thank you so much Pak Long. Those days and nights in Melaka when I was younger were also thanks to you...

Al-Fatihah 🤲🏼

to a stronger self

It's been a while. I needed some time away to get back stronger mentally and physically to face life. So far so good... I'm feeling much better now.

Well, it's pretty obvious. I didn't do well for exams and that disappointed so many people. Especially myself. I have been pretty hard on myself the past few weeks. Probably because this year I worked harder than any years before but still, the results were just not on my side. I'm slowly trying to let things go so that I can move on peacefully.

I have yet to reply to so many messages from the closest friends and family members because I needed time to recover and take charge of my mental health so please be patient with me.

I may sound like I'm okay with everything but honestly I'm not. But one thing for sure, what keeps me going is that... I know God is giving me many chances to continue to live life which many others are not blessed with.

So thank you God 🙏🏼

minutes and seconds

This waiting game is killing me.

Not asking much.

Just for me to make it to the final lap.

Please 🤲🏼🙏🏼🤲🏼

in a few hours

For years, I hate it when I go to family gatherings and I have to face the "What am I currently doing in my life?" question on top of the other demoralising statements like "Oh my gosh you've gained weight!" and the list goes on. 

Last weekend was one of those days. It's Hari Raya Haji so I had no choice but to face such statements. I wish I have a certain answer for that like most people my age do. But I don't. I hate myself for this so please stop asking me because I'm tired of hating myself for this. 

Results are coming out in a few hours. I'm slowly resigning it to fate now. But oh dear God, please just let me pass to move on to the next phase. Please 😩🙏🏼

Pray for me and my results please 🙏🏼

down to the days

It's all in a matter of days now and I'm really praying for nothing but to move on the next phase. That's all. 

Been stressing out about it on my own but I'm glad I met the girls recently to talk it out and get it out of my system. 

Please pray for us and our results. 💕

prayers and miracles

Heart's beating fast.

In need of all the prayers and miracles in the world.

Please pray for my results, my future, my whole life ❤️

merlion me

Recently I met up with Hazwani after such a long time to catch up and well, nothing much has changed. We're still as chatty as ever. Still as crazy over oppas as ever. Clearly, having a boyfriend now has not changed the fangirl in me 😂

Sadly, older us are now struggling with weight issues. (But we both met up to eat kbbq HAHA) My weight has been on a yoyo lately because of my health. This month of July alone I fell sick every single week. In fact, last night itself I had a puking session like the Merlion. I'm trying to be more careful with what I eat now... my tummy is really sensitive now. Not sure if I lost water weight or something so far, but hahaha there's still a lot more for this girl to lose before I get back my old weight.

In months to come, I hope I'll be able to lose more weight, earn more money and hear some good news for my results. Please pray for me and my results 🙏🏼

a stronger self

We all have our own issues that we have to deal with. 

Some people struggle to find a job, some struggle to get married, some struggle to graduate, some struggle with their mental health, some struggle to get their dream house. Oh the list goes on...

One thing for sure, what we need is a stronger self. The world will not wait for us to catch up. The world moves forward with time. And sadly, the world we're currently living in is not as nice as we wish it to be.

And for that, I pray that we will all be a stronger version of ourselves to get through our challenges.

To a stronger self and a better future. 🤲🏼

quarter of a century old

I'm officially 25.

Quarter of a century old, as what Veda said to me.

This year, I didn't do much on my birthday for someone who places so much importance on birthdays. 

Spent time reflecting on how I've been living my life and how I'm planning to continue to live my life. To be honest, I still haven't really figure it out. One thing for sure is that I just want myself to be stronger than I already am to face life and everything ugly that comes with it. I mean, at the end of the day, we all want to live a life with no regrets.

I had tuition and spent the evening with Aisah till late. Honestly, I wanted to spend time with S but he's way too busy with work. We had an argument the night before because of this, but don't worry we have resolved it. And of course, thank God for amazing friends who have been by my side. I've been having this issue about S being busy with his work and it affected me emotionally but because of my friends who have been advising me and filling in the gap for S, I guess you could say that I'm dealing with it easier now.

I'm also trying to blog more instead of getting angry at him for not replying or spending time with me. However, right now I'm just blogging because I can't sleep. He didn't wish me good night yet, but I think he accidentally fell asleep anyway 😅

On another note, I can't wait for Aisah to get her house so we can chill at her place and spend more time together. She has stopped working now so that means more time for us to be together.

Dear Self,

Life is a learning journey. It's tiring but never stop learning. Never stop seeking knowledge. Believe in God's plans and keep Allah SWT as close to you as possible. Work hard to get to heaven and do not be obsessed with this temporary world. Continue putting in your utmost effort in fulfilling your responsibility as a daughter, a student and most importantly, a Muslim. May you always be blessed with happiness, love, wealth and always in the pink of health.

Love, yourself.

May life gets better from here for me and my loved ones ❤️