strength

The only thing that's stopping me now is the thought of how affected my loved ones will be if I ever do it.

God, give me strength.

I'm tired.

fine

I say I'm fine, but am I really okay?

I wish you still care about me. 

we're over

We are over.

"If Happy Ever Afters did exist, I would still be holding you."

Been 6 days of crying my heart out for you and I don't know when will I stop crying for you but if that makes the person I love happier, then I guess I will slowly learn to accept it even if it means I'm the one bleeding so much now. 

Will I still believe in love after this? I hope so.

Will I still be able to love someone like how I feel for you now, S? I don't know but I hope so.

I really hope and pray you're happier from now on.

i hope you're okay

I had a class just now and I saw something that got me 😨🥴

Imagine a girl wearing shorts, the kind that you can see her butt cheeks as well. So she bended forward to reach over a piece of paper from the lecturer. She was directly in front of me and I was facing the front. And from the level I was sitting, the first thing I saw when I looked up... her butt. And I was genuinely worried for her. Because I could see marks and bruises. Like caning marks and really huge dark purple bruises.

I then told Hani, a friend of mine that I got closer over the past few months. She was just as shocked as I am. 

So I asked, "Do you think we should ask if she's okay?" 

And the next thing she said was, "No la, I think she got caned by her parents."

I just laughed because at this age, DOES CANING EVEN WORK?!

Then it hits me. 

She could be into BDSM shit. Something I still can't relate, like how do people feel aroused by pain. I'm the kind who cries like a baby when it comes to even the slightest pain you can ever think of.

To the girl in class who's hopefully into BDSM shit,

I hope you're really okay.

If you're not into BDSM and you're really hurt,

please don't be afraid and seek help.

kylie or audrey, please

Everyone on Twitter has been doing this Gradient thingy where they try to match your face closest with some famous person. So I tried and the results... HAHA

I remember telling S that if I could do plastic surgery, I wanna make sure the surgery is successful like Kylie's. I guess I don't even have to, because heyyy your girl already look like Kylie anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

I tried with another photo and now I look like the beautiful Audrey Hepburn. 

This is where it all goes downhill.

I look like a statue. 😒

I'll take Kylie or Audrey, pretty please 😏

sorry

📍School's Library

The past few days I've been spending time in the library, trying to get my life together. Thankfully I have supportive friends like Qi and Chu Ping to get me through these hard times. The ones trying to ensure I'm not in depressive state and get things I need to do done. 

The past few months... emotionally and mentally, I've been struggling. People I'm not close with think I'm okay with all these failures and losses. But in all honesty, I know I'm not okay. Getting off social media helped a bit. Having friends around me and getting myself busy with work distracted me from going back into my depressive state. 

I'm sorry to the people I've disappointed... Sorry to those who have been trying to help me to succeed in life but I didn't make you proud. I'm sorry...

being hairless at the right places

A few days ago, Qi texted me saying that she has to shorten our study session because she wants to go for a massage that costs $19. The next thing I asked her was, "How did you get to know of such offers?" And so she introduced me to this app called Fave.

I downloaded this app right away.

I spent hours and hours looking at all the discounts they offered and my oh my, I was tempted to spend all my money on the various spa sessions and massage sessions. They even have post natal massages. Do I need them? No. Do I want to go for them? HELL YEAH.

But I eventually settled for this particular one.

I've always wanted to do SHR to get rid of my hairs especially the one down south because it's such a hassle to shave all the hairs away. I have to go through various yoga positions with my legs before I manage to get rid of all the hairs. 

Many people told me to try out waxing but this girl right here is such a scaredy cat. I'm the kind of girl who cries when the doctors give me a virus injection or even when they had to take my blood. I remember when I was 12 and we had to take our vaccinations, I cried like crazyyyyy. I wailed and it sucks because I remembered having such a high fever the next day. Drama queen, indeed. So of course, I didn't wanna try waxing no matter how many times people try to convince me to do so.

Right after I bought this voucher, I texted Qi panicking because I'm about to show my private area to someone else. And that someone else is a stranger. No one, NO ONE... has seen me fully naked. The last person who saw me naked was probably my mum. But even then, it was when I was much much younger. So I couldn't stop being nervous thinking about opening my legs and showing my private area to someone else.

But I eventually did. 

I came early today because I was way too nervous.

The receptionist made me filled in some form and I was honestly scared because "What if this voucher is a scam? What if it means $148 per session?" I mean I'm broke but I wanna be hairless. Thankfully, the receptionist said it's really $148 in all. But I had to top up a one-time payment of $50 for the intergluteal cleft area.

This is how the room I was given looks like.

Thankfully, clean.

The lady that attended me could sense I was nervous and tried calming me down. I don't think I'll ever be okay showing others my private areas. Way too shy.  She was also honest enough to tell me that I wouldn't see instant results since I'm quite hairy. Thank God, the whole session lasted less than 15 minutes. 

And I can safely say, it's really not painful at all. NO PAIN. But you can feel some heat when it gets to the more sensitive intimate areas. That's all. 

I don't know if this SHR treatment will work for me, but let's hope it does because I just wanna be hairless as soon as possible. According to what I read so far, SHR is supposed to be a much more effective hair removal treatment. So let's hope it works for me. 

Took this before I left because I am on my way to...

being hairless at the right places.

watching every move

"Oh do you know that he's young? I think he's probably in his late 20s or early 30s."

"Omg, is he hot? Smart and hot will be perfect for me."

Sigh, 2 girls were talking about my boyfriend when I was sitting right beside them just now. Clearly, they didn't know that I'm his girlfriend. But I guess now I have no choice but to watch every single move they make just in case they ever try to make a move on S.

Yes, jealous girlfriend alert.

I already found out their names for a start. 💅🏼

(Qi thinks I should calm down because S is already mine 😒)

wife or child

After such a long time, I finally had a long h2h conversation with the boy a few nights ago. 🥰

For 2 people who are very different from each other, it's amazing we're still together now. It's not all fairytales for sure. We've had some downs and we're still trying our best to progress in this relationship. So recently, I came out with a schedule for dating time, talk time all that.

Not just in my relationship with S, I have also set aside some time every week for friends time, alone time, study time, work time, family time... hopefully I'll stick to the schedule well 🙏🏼

So that night, we talked about childbirth and death.

I'm at the age where my friends are starting their families and recently I had a talk with a group of friends on this issue.

If the doctor asks you, the husband, to choose between saving your child and your wife, who would you choose?

Some of my friends said they would choose to save the wife and some, surprisingly, chose the child. I got all defensive at first because I felt saving the wife is more important since you can always make a baby again. But a friend told me it's not as easy as it sounds. Because after losing a child, most women would not be able to recover mentally from it and eventually, how do you make another baby again when you fear of losing another baby and probably still have thoughts of your baby who died? 

So I asked S, which one would he choose if he was put in that position?

I mean if I'm gonna marry this dude, we have to be on the same wavelength. I know dying during childbirth is considered mati syahid and you'll be guaranteed a place in heaven. But I was secretly hoping he would answer that he would choose his wife. And thankfully, he answered just that. (He's probably afraid I'll turn into a pontianak and haunt him at night or something if he chose his child over me 👻)

But our discussion on this topic did not just end here. Along the way, I realized that I had been emphasizing on the woman's mental health after losing a kid. He pointed out that men too could be mentally unsound from losing either one.

I rarely hear issues regarding men's mental health and it dawned upon me that maybe men are afraid to speak up about this. Probably because men need to appear strong in the eyes of society. That's why you rarely hear about men being abused in relationships and so on.

To which I asked him, "Do you think you're being abused in this relationship?" or something along those lines... and then I went on to google on the criteria of an abusive relationship.  And well, let's just say, it was great going through the list together so we get ourselves in check.

al-fatihah to pak long

"Indeed we belong to Allah,

and indeed to Him we will return."

The photo above was our last photo together. Taken during raya.

29 August 2019.

I knew this day would come when I start to lose one of my aunts or uncles after losing my grandparents. But I did not expect this day would come this soon. I lost another family member to cancer, again. This time round, it's my uncle.

For all those times when I was younger and you took care of me and pampered me with all those small tidbits and toys, thank you so much Pak Long. Those days and nights in Melaka when I was younger were also thanks to you...

Al-Fatihah 🤲🏼

to a stronger self

It's been a while. I needed some time away to get back stronger mentally and physically to face life. So far so good... I'm feeling much better now.

Well, it's pretty obvious. I didn't do well for exams and that disappointed so many people. Especially myself. I have been pretty hard on myself the past few weeks. Probably because this year I worked harder than any years before but still, the results were just not on my side. I'm slowly trying to let things go so that I can move on peacefully.

I have yet to reply to so many messages from the closest friends and family members because I needed time to recover and take charge of my mental health so please be patient with me.

I may sound like I'm okay with everything but honestly I'm not. But one thing for sure, what keeps me going is that... I know God is giving me many chances to continue to live life which many others are not blessed with.

So thank you God 🙏🏼

minutes and seconds

This waiting game is killing me.

Not asking much.

Just for me to make it to the final lap.

Please 🤲🏼🙏🏼🤲🏼

in a few hours

For years, I hate it when I go to family gatherings and I have to face the "What am I currently doing in my life?" question on top of the other demoralising statements like "Oh my gosh you've gained weight!" and the list goes on. 

Last weekend was one of those days. It's Hari Raya Haji so I had no choice but to face such statements. I wish I have a certain answer for that like most people my age do. But I don't. I hate myself for this so please stop asking me because I'm tired of hating myself for this. 

Results are coming out in a few hours. I'm slowly resigning it to fate now. But oh dear God, please just let me pass to move on to the next phase. Please 😩🙏🏼

Pray for me and my results please 🙏🏼

down to the days

It's all in a matter of days now and I'm really praying for nothing but to move on the next phase. That's all. 

Been stressing out about it on my own but I'm glad I met the girls recently to talk it out and get it out of my system. 

Please pray for us and our results. 💕

prayers and miracles

Heart's beating fast.

In need of all the prayers and miracles in the world.

Please pray for my results, my future, my whole life ❤️

merlion me

Recently I met up with Hazwani after such a long time to catch up and well, nothing much has changed. We're still as chatty as ever. Still as crazy over oppas as ever. Clearly, having a boyfriend now has not changed the fangirl in me 😂

Sadly, older us are now struggling with weight issues. (But we both met up to eat kbbq HAHA) My weight has been on a yoyo lately because of my health. This month of July alone I fell sick every single week. In fact, last night itself I had a puking session like the Merlion. I'm trying to be more careful with what I eat now... my tummy is really sensitive now. Not sure if I lost water weight or something so far, but hahaha there's still a lot more for this girl to lose before I get back my old weight.

In months to come, I hope I'll be able to lose more weight, earn more money and hear some good news for my results. Please pray for me and my results 🙏🏼

a stronger self

We all have our own issues that we have to deal with. 

Some people struggle to find a job, some struggle to get married, some struggle to graduate, some struggle with their mental health, some struggle to get their dream house. Oh the list goes on...

One thing for sure, what we need is a stronger self. The world will not wait for us to catch up. The world moves forward with time. And sadly, the world we're currently living in is not as nice as we wish it to be.

And for that, I pray that we will all be a stronger version of ourselves to get through our challenges.

To a stronger self and a better future. 🤲🏼

quarter of a century old

I'm officially 25.

Quarter of a century old, as what Veda said to me.

This year, I didn't do much on my birthday for someone who places so much importance on birthdays. 

Spent time reflecting on how I've been living my life and how I'm planning to continue to live my life. To be honest, I still haven't really figure it out. One thing for sure is that I just want myself to be stronger than I already am to face life and everything ugly that comes with it. I mean, at the end of the day, we all want to live a life with no regrets.

I had tuition and spent the evening with Aisah till late. Honestly, I wanted to spend time with S but he's way too busy with work. We had an argument the night before because of this, but don't worry we have resolved it. And of course, thank God for amazing friends who have been by my side. I've been having this issue about S being busy with his work and it affected me emotionally but because of my friends who have been advising me and filling in the gap for S, I guess you could say that I'm dealing with it easier now.

I'm also trying to blog more instead of getting angry at him for not replying or spending time with me. However, right now I'm just blogging because I can't sleep. He didn't wish me good night yet, but I think he accidentally fell asleep anyway 😅

On another note, I can't wait for Aisah to get her house so we can chill at her place and spend more time together. She has stopped working now so that means more time for us to be together.

Dear Self,

Life is a learning journey. It's tiring but never stop learning. Never stop seeking knowledge. Believe in God's plans and keep Allah SWT as close to you as possible. Work hard to get to heaven and do not be obsessed with this temporary world. Continue putting in your utmost effort in fulfilling your responsibility as a daughter, a student and most importantly, a Muslim. May you always be blessed with happiness, love, wealth and always in the pink of health.

Love, yourself.

May life gets better from here for me and my loved ones ❤️

cherish every second

*gulp*

I’m turning 25 in a couple of hours.  

Younger me was already planning to settle down by this age but hahahaha who am I kidding... I barely make it thru every month tryna support my own life.


A few days ago I had a talk with S. Yes, we’re still together even though I rarely post much about him. People have been asking me why I refuse to expose him on social media. Well, one, I just like it to be this way. Second, S hates taking photos and videos. Even when he agrees to take photos with me, his faces are like 😙🤪🤨🥴 while I look like I’m ever so ready to get our photos taken. It’s like sometimes I feel I’m dating a 5yo boy stuck in a grown up man’s body. And no, it’s not because I think he looks ugly or handsome to the point I don’t wanna share with the world. This boy I’m dating really hates taking photos and videos. We even had a fight because of this and I cried hahahahaha #whatsnew #crybaby 


So anyway yeah we had a talk a few days ago and I cried, again. I’ve always hated talking about deaths. I don’t deal well when it comes to people falling sick and deaths. I’m also scared of death because I know I’m not ready to face God and how I have to be accountable for all my sins. 


But S is different. Well maybe because he grew up not believing in any religion. He talks about deaths like it’s nothing. Just part and parcel of life. Well it actually is, but the way he deals with it... sometimes I wish I can let go of things as easily.  


I have issues. I don’t know how to show how I feel very well. If you think I act like I care too much, then I really do... in fact multiply that by 1000 or a million. That’s how much I really care and feel. Because most times I try to keep it to myself to not freak people out.  


I remember crying my heart out when SHINEE Jonghyun passed away. I was not even a fan, but that short encounter with him at You Are Special cafe affected me so much when I got news of his death. I still do cry on some nights when I miss my grandparents who have passed on. And it doesn’t help when I realize that they ensure we, the younger ones, are not burdened by their deaths and instead, continue to make life easier for us after they’re gone.  


Many times I wish I don’t feel so much emotions about so many things because I feel like an emotional mess. But I guess that’s why I’m also fated to meet people who are more calm when it comes to their feelings, as compared to me. 


Also, time is limited. We never know when we bid goodbye to this world. Till then, we need to cherish every second we have in this world with our loved ones by our side. 

And this photo serves as a good reminder.

This world we're living in is indeed temporary.

Heaven, that's the real goal. ❤️

love yourself

Recently I had a talk with a close friend of mine and I realized how impactful our words can be to someone without us realizing it and how we really have to be careful of the things that come out of our mouths.

It’s raya season now and that means I’m meeting makciks who really got a lot to say when really, it’s best for the world if they don’t say a thing. I’ve gained a lot of weight and it’s pretty obvious in photos. Even more obvious in real life. And I’ve been feeling even more insecure about it these days. And it doesn’t help that I have people around me who eat sooooo much but don’t gain a single gram at all. 

I used to be like them, but not now. God’s probably punishing me for always calling my brothers fat because now Syakir is no longer fat and I’m the fat one. 

I hate how I look now and there are days when I just don’t feel like eating because whenever I look at food, I’m reminded of the nasty things that have been said to me about my weight gain.

I just wish sometimes people are more careful with their words because really, you don’t know what’s going on in someone’s life. I’ve been starting to work out at home, go for jogs, purposely walking more instead of taking shorter routes home or taking the stairs instead of the escalator or the lift to shed some weight but I’ve yet to shed any. And let’s not even talk about eating. I haven’t gotten much appetite lately. It’s like I’m forcing myself to eat to survive every single day.

I was honestly slowly accepting the fact that I will not be as skinny as I used to be. (I mean, I used to be that girl who couldn't reach more than 40kg but now I'm putting on weight like crazyyyyy) It only started to affect me when people couldn't stop commenting about my weight gain and how I shouldn't be looking fat because I'm not a mother yet. 

On top of all that, I’m also dealing with comments that people have been giving me whenever they ask who I’m dating and I share with them about S.

My boyfriend is smart and well, me... it’s hard to say. I would like to think I’m not dumb, but I’m not smart either. I don’t know what am I honestly. Whenever people got to know what S is doing now, they give me vibes and comments like “he’s smart but why did he choose to date someone dumb like you” and sigh many times I feel like he deserves a much smarter person than me.

I'm thankful that S is someone who doesn’t care about wealth and grades. But all those words still hurt me. From what I see so far, to him, doing well in school and work is his responsibility as a student and an employee. And this is something I admire about him. So this year I’ve been trying my best to be a responsible student which I’m still not sure if the results will show but I really hope and pray they do. 

I just wish we all will be more careful with what we say to others in future. 

If that couple is married for years and still has not gotten any kids, don’t say anything nasty. You never know if they’ve been trying for years for a kid but God has yet to grant them any. By saying nasty things to them, you’re just making them more depressed than they already are.

If a person loses or gains weight, don’t comment about how much better they’ll look if they’ll gain or lose weight. Fat-shaming and skinny-shaming is just a NO-NO. Instead, ask them nicely if they’ve been feeling happy in their daily lives and if they’ve been eating right. I'm definitely guilty of this sigh ☹️

If a Muslim girl is not wearing a hijab, don’t label them as less religious than the ones who do. You never know if she’s struggling trying to fulfil her duties as a Muslim. She may have just given up wearing shorts and tank tops recently and dress a little more covered than what she usually wore, for all you know. 

The list goes on. But you get me right?

If you’ve got nothing nice to say, then 🤫

More importantly, at the end of the day, we all gotta learn to love ourselves more.

amirah's grad party

Few weeks back, Amirah made a celebration at her place for her graduation. And we all had such adult talks about post-graduation, working life, settling down, paying bills etc. I'm turning 25 in a few months and till now, when people ask me what's my plan for the future, I still have got nothing planned out. Well I used to have everything planned out and most of my plans didn't go as planned so now I'm really living the whole "go with the flow" life.

Veda, Weed and I continued to hang out at the airport after that. We used to see each other everyday so the time spent at the airport catching up was necessary to me.

Need to graduate as soon as possible.

Need to lose weight.

tears

As I'm typing this, I'm crying. I've been crying for the past 30 minutes and it annoys me so much because I don't understand why I'm crying so much...

Exams are less than a month away and in my opinion, I'm nowhere near ready. It has been stressing me out so much and tonight I just can't take it anymore.

My family and friends have been nothing but amazing, trying to motivate me... my boyfriend does it too. I know he's feeling even more stressed than I am right now.

I haven't been feeling this down for quite some time. I just hope this time these tears will be worth it.

five minus one

I'm not exactly the craziest VIP in the world, but my love for Bigbang is pretty much known to everyone. I mean, the things I have done just to see them live and up close... 🤦🏻‍♀️

And finally yesterday, it's official. I'm not gonna see them all 5 on stage ever again. 😭

Ah, I'm getting way too emotional over Bigbang. Let me cry while I replay all of Bigbang songs and their solo songs...

Thank you Bigbang for the memories ❤️

I guess it's time for me to grow up.

clingy or crazy

I'm clingy. Way too clingy for a normal human being. 

S is having his reservist now and well, he did tell me before this that unlike others, his training could be soooo crazy to the point he sleeps for 4 hours only. So before he left for his reservist, I already prepped myself to be okay not having him around. No texts from him. It's like living that single life all over again. 

But this time round, he told me that his training isn't so busy. So of course being the clingy person I am, I expected him to text me all the time since we don't usually get that on normal days. He's the kind that doesn't text when he's having his lectures and seminars. So I thought maybe we could text more than we usually do. But nope. That boy is now busy playing Mobile Legends and it frustrates me more than ever.

I used to roll my eyes at girls who go crazy on their boyfriends whenever they fail to reply text messages promptly. And now, I'm becoming one of them. Just, what is wrong with me? 😩

It doesn't help much when I just sent him a text saying "I got no mood to talk to you now." and he said okay. JUST OKAY?! Don't men ever get it?!

Younger me would have straight up asked for a break up over this, but older me is much wiser. I need to learn to give people the time and space. 

But oops, I just did a random online poll. And I accidentally pressed "Single" instead of "In a relationship" 🙊

I still love you, S. ❤️ We're not breaking up.

This is just me being a crazy girlfriend that I warned you about.

annoying sweetheart

The past few weeks have been crazy for me and the boy. He's busy with his seminars and presentations while I was busy with my coursework submission. We barely got time for each other.

The good and bad thing about dating S is that he's the kind to put his phone away when he's in the study mode zone. Sometimes I wanna smack him for not giving me attention. Sometimes I am kinda glad he's like that because I need some alone time too HAHAHA

I can't thank God enough for S' presence in my life. He can be really annoying, but he's also a sweetheart.

Recently he got me a plant.

I have yet to sit down with my parents and be all serious with them that I'm dating S. But this boy went a step ahead and bought for me a plant so now, my parents could kinda guess I'm dating someone. 

Few days before this plant came, I had a talk with S about how I felt women do want flowers but we just don't wanna tell guys that we want them. We want them, but we do not wanna force guys to get it for us. But the thing with flowers is that they die very very fast. So obviously, this boy I'm dating is smarter than other normal human beings. He bought for me a plant. A freaking orchid plant.

Guess who loves orchids? My grandmother. I jokingly told her that I wanna throw this plant away. She screamed at me HAHAHA

This plant even has a special place in my house. She waters it every single day. I didn't even have to worry about taking care of this plant. Besides that, she talks to this plant to show her love and care for this plant. My grandmother is obsessed with this plant. 

I used to always say I want a guy that loves my loved ones and make them happy as much as he loves me and makes me happy. So is he the right one? 😂

Still debatable. You wonder why?

Look at this.

Told him to take a picture of me. But boyyyyyy, he really needs to take up some photography lessons. The focus was supposed to be on me with the skyline as the background, he kinda got it right but not the kind of photo that I wanted. It's so hard when your boyfriend doesn't use social media much, how do I get an #instagramboyfriend then? He still got the nerve to debate with me on how this picture is artsy but I just don't know how to appreciate art ugh

But I still love this boy.

The next few weeks and months will get even crazier for us. We both will get even busier. But I know this will all be worth it in future.

Love you S ❤️

sad menses story

📍 S' house

We're supposed to be watching movies on Netflix now but instead, he's running to the mamak shop for me because your girl right here got her menses and didn't have any pads with her. I even asked his mum for pads and then I realized that oh shit, our mothers are all on menopause period already. So clearly, they don't have spare pads at home because why would 2 sons need pads.

Sigh, my life is basically all the crazy embarrassing moments you see in movies collated into one.

Dear self, bring your own pads everywhere you go next time. 🤦‍♀️

On another note, this guy is more than glad to run to the mamak shop for me just for my pads. Your actions make me fall in love with you more every single day, S. 

what's good 2019

Already 16 days into the new year.

GOSH.

2018 was a bitter sweet year for me. I hated all the pain I had to go through last year. I honestly still do feel it but it's more bearable now. Especially with the support of my family and my amazing friends.

My cheongsam photo made it to my best nine photos of the year! That cheongsam is just collecting dust right now. S has been bugging me to wear it to meet his family during CNY but hmmm I don't know if that'll be too much. I mean even Chinese ladies nowadays don't wear cheongsams and then this Malay girl wanna go all out and wear it?

S also made it to my top nine. Gosh, he's taking over my social media without even being exposed. I'm honestly still trying to let the whole "I'm now in a relationship" status sink into myself. I've dated here and there but this time, it's just so different... many times I feel like sharing it out but I think now's not the time yet. Being single for a long time makes me forget sometimes that I'm no longer single. It's not that S is a bad boyfriend, in fact he's been nothing but amazing. It's me, I have some memory loss problem that I really need to fix.

So for 2019.

I hope to be less lazy, start working out more often, be a better Muslim and be a better person as a whole. 

ended 2018 with love

2019, already?

Oh God, where did all the time flies...

I have been blogging on this space for the longest time ever. If you've been following my journey here, you could probably guess who is still part of my life and who isn't. All the new relationships I made with people and also those I cut ties with. You would also know all the crazy things that can only happen to me because I'm the weirdest human being alive. 

Some people have said to me that I put my whole life on social media and as much as I wanna deny it, I guess there's some truths to that. One thing for sure, this blog is the place I share THE MOST because I feel like I can be myself here. 

And for that, I would like to share that...

I ended 2018 with love.

So let me introduce him as S. 

S for what? S for Sayang? S for Secret? I don't know. You can decide.

It was hard for me to find someone who could convince me enough that he deserves exposure on my social media. This one kinda managed to do so. And yes, I know it's not a full exposure. Maybe he'll get a full exposure if we ended up marrying each other. Till then, let's keep it all a mystery. 

People have been asking me how did it all happen. Well, I don't have an answer to that honestly. It just did. We both didn't even try to flirt with each other or anything... at least I didn't. I don't know about him. But I don't think he did. Because if he did, I would say try harder baby ❤️

We're both totally different.

• I hate fruits and vegetables; he loves them. 
• I share almost everything about my life on social media; he doesn't. 
• I'm short... well it's pretty obvious that he's tall. 
• He's smart like really REALLY smart and he denies it but I can assure you that I'm not lying on this. And I'm not anywhere as smart as he is.
• He's such a nerd and obviously I'm the cool one in this relationship. I'm not even THAT cool. Syakir would totally laugh at me for this. 
• I'm a Muslim, and he's not. But I do hope one day, Allah SWT opens his heart to accept Islam wholeheartedly and may we both guide each other to heaven. 

And the list goes on.

Dear S,

I don't know if you're the one for me and I'm the one for you. I just hope we will be able to get through all good and bad times together with patience and respect for each other. Because I do feel like you're someone I want to settle down with. But if we don't work out, I'm thankful enough for your presence in my life at this moment. On another note, please be patient because you're dealing with an emotionally unstable, slightly crazy, always late and clingy girlfriend. I know it is still too early to be hoping but I really do hope you will open your heart willingly to accept my religion as yours one day. Also, please stop playing dota and sudoku so much. Channel your attention to me instead HAHA

Love,

Your girlfriend.

But what's more important and heartbreaking to me right now...

My Mama's boy liked this post.

He approved of our relationship.

And that also means... I got no chance to marry him now 😭