keep holding on

Sometimes I ask myself...

Why does my heart still hold on to people who do not care about you?

Why am I so strong yet so weak at the same time?

Recently I kept seeing people from my past in my dreams. Secondary school friends that I drifted away from, JC friends I used to be so close with, uni friends I used to hang out with, Daya and her family and her friends who then became my friends too, S' mum and many more.

Maybe I'm missing them a little more than usual lately. Life's truly fragile, you see.

Tbh, I am at fault for ending most of these relationships. I miss them. Very much do. But to pluck up the courage to ask for a relationship again from them, at this point of time, I do not have the energy to do so. 

I do not blame anyone at all for cutting ties with me. So now, I only keep them close in my prayers because my heart still holds them close to me... I mean, they are the reason I am where I am today. I know because of my mental state, I'm not easy to deal with. So it is only fair for them to leave before they lose themselves. 

It's been a crazy journey. I hope they are all doing well in life.

Dear Self, keep holding on 🤍